In search of my better half...

I have had the same discussion with different friends for the past two weeks...."Why can't we find our better halves?" I am sure that this is not a conversation that just me and my friends have; I am positive that women all over share the same type of concerns.

The conversation becomes really heated right around the mid-twenties, when everyone is slowly counting the years til the deadline we set for our ideal age to get married. Women begin to panic and think that it's impossible that they are going to reach their well thoughtout goal.

If you are feeling this way as you read this post, don't worry you are not alone. I used to be someone that worried about meeting someone, and spent a lot of my time putting myself in the right situations to meet guys. I would sometimes even settle for going on dates with guys that I knew there was no future with.

It wasn't until recently that I developed a new approach to this whole finding my better half thing. I begin to pay attention more at church and read a few books on relationships. The constant theme that begin to come up, was that I needed to work on myself before I could find my better half.

I need to understand what makes me whole, before I can find someone that completes me. So often as people we develop a list of things that we think we are looking for in a person, never understanding that the list is probably not correct if we don't understand who we are first.

Steps to finding your better half:

1. Develop who you are a person. Work on personal and career goals. Let your first priority be yourself. How can you truly be great for someone else, if you don't have your own stuff together? Yes there is room for people to grow together, but you have to at least lay a foundation for yourself.

2. Understand what makes you happy. If you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, you need to already know what makes you happy. Work on enjoying life alone and with friends/family before you look for someone else to make you happy.

3. Throw away the list. Stop creating list of things that you are looking for in a person. Usually the list that we create are full of superficial garbage anyway. It's like when we write a Christmas list, it is going to be filled with things that we would love to have, and rarely have anything on there that we need. When you are looking for a mate your list is going to have to include things that you need. Because most people cannot figure out the difference between needs and wants, don't even bother making them. Once you have developed who your are, you will begin to attract people that match self. The list won't be needed, because what you need will be reflected in who you are.

4. Just be friends at first. When you finally do meet a person, just be their friend. Taking the time to really get to know a person is key. You want to be able to thoroughly get to know their character and not the superficial things about them. So often if we don't take the time to get to know a person, we let our physical attractions for a person take over. You begin to think that the feelings that you have when you are having sex is indication of deep feelings for a person. It begins to confuse you; you ignore the signs that this person isn't right for you. If someone can truly be your friend, then that is the first sign that they relate to you in someway or another.

5. For females, stop looking so much and let the man find you. If you have developed yourself and have become the ultimate catch, then you will be caught. The key is having confidence in who you are....that will shine in a room full of a million girls all wearing short skirts. Never seem so thirsty to be in a relationship. If a guy thinks that you will give your all to any guy because you are desperate to be in a relationship, then he will assume that it is not him that you really want, it's any guy that will accept your offer. Chill, relax...they will come to you.

6. Never try to change someone. Naturally people grow, but it is not your job to re-create who they are. So often girls take a guy for who he is, but then try to shape him into their ideal man. It does not work like this, and for the most part you will fail. You will set high expectations for the relationship, never meeting any of them.

The key is that if both men and women are working on becoming better people, then by the time they come together, they will be able to concentrate on being good husbands and wives. Neo said it best, "I'm a movement by myself, but were a force when were together."

More advice to come...Feel free to ask me questions. Ill give the best advice I can. Always take people's advice and apply it with ease to your situation. All advice doesn't work for your personal situation.



dido! said...

amen amen amen

dailyvisitor said...

hey socialite!
great post, what if you are already 'invovled' with you beau, how do you turn back the clock so to speak to make sure that you have a true friendship with the other person?

Ash "Oh So Fabolous" P. said...

I've had those same conversations...and like you, church has helped me...and proudly, I have helped myself. I am learning to put myself first and make myself the best I can be. I truly believe that the right guy will find need for any women to search.
to the dailyvisitor...communication is key. sometimes you may need to take a step back and enjoy the little things about each other and take time for yourselves...i know that seems odd but it actually can bring you closer to your significant other. Always be honest about your feelings and keep the respect on your relationship......and to all women...focus on being the best woman you can be...when he does will know who you are.

Fantasia said...

It can be so hard to accept that maybe...just maybe you won't find your soulmate in the time that you expect to find them. Especially when you have family members and friends pressuring you to get married and settle down. But think about guys think like this too?? Probably not..Most of them just take it day by should we as women. Let's just take it day by day Ladies! And live life to the fullest and like Ms. Socialite says "work on ourselves."

SartoriallySavvy said...

I love the information that you put up Brandi, my only qualm is what I feel like is a fundamental misconception with the approach of something like this... While I'm all for working on ones self, and becoming the best person you can possibly be, I think the problem lies in the title: No one NEEDS anyone else to complete them. You should never been in search of a "better half" merely someone who compliments you in the best way possible. And it's never something you should search for, if you indeed compliment each other in the best way possible that symbiotic relationship with develop on its own. You must be a complete person, not a half waiting for completion. In science, that's a parasitic relationship, where one relies on the other for its life force... Instead of being symbiotic, and bringing each other up. I guess that's my two cents...

RiPPa said...

I don't buy into the "better half" stuff. I know its just a saying and not to be taken literally. But, I think by doing so (looking for your better half) you somehow unconsciously acknowledge your imperfections and set out looking for someone who can make you better.

Well, we all know that sounds good in theory. But in reality, nobody can change you except for you. For some, this creates a conflict once they realize, or think, the other person is trying to change them.

The Socialite said...

dailyvisitor: I think it is really evaluating things about your relationship. Is he really someone that you can relate and talk to for hours without the idea of sex even crossing your mind? Take some time to go on some real dates with each other where you are in settings where talking is a must. Really dig deep into each other. Sometimes when we are already in a relationship we tend to sit at home a lot with each other, and let the other things going on occupy the majority of our time....only at times really having a real conversation with each other. I agree with Ash...communitcation is key!

savvy and rippa: I think that from a religious stand point...there is someone out there that you can become one with, which means that there are two halves becoming one. I dont think that literally means that you are half without a person. I think it simply means that you should be whole before you meet the person...and when you come together with your mate you will compliment each other so much that you really are finding someone who makes you complete. That is why I say work on yourself so that you are becoming a whole person first.I think it also means you are complete on another level. I dont think that means that without the person you will never truly be the person you want to be...but I do believe if you find the right person that you could be ten times better. Also I 2 don't believe that you should search for your better half...I think that they are out there and will be sent to you by God. But you have to open your eyes and ears to see and hear what he is trying to show you.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

You have some great steps towards finding your better half.

I especially like #5...we tend to be so pressed on finding a man, uhhhhggggg. Also, when we get one, we act like he is more than human (Boooooooo).

Stay calm, cool, and collect.

The Socialite said...

Staying cool is key! ;)

Eb the Celeb said...

Great points... The biggest one for me was my list... I have been very opened minded this year with the type of men I would date and I am proud of myself even though most of then didnt turn into anything... i still cant get over my height fetish though... but I think its good to have certain preferences... because that coincides with one of your only points about knowing what makes you happy... and tall men make me

Mr. Smart Guy said...

Good points but you must consider the fact at the age we're at, change is going to be constant.

With that all being said and the determination is that you're OK with being you... what determines the standard of being selective over settling to be settled?

Just curious...

eclectik said...


I'm here!!!


Torrance Stephens - All-Mi-T said...

so u a counselor now - long live the blog queen

The Socialite said...

torrance: lmao!

miSs pRiss said...

I think the most important ones are 4 and 6. Being friends first is SO important. I can't stress it enough. My best and longest relationships were with people that I had awesome friendships with.

My friend's mother says that "If you can't deal with how a man is now then you won't be able to deal with him twenty years from now. He only gets worse!" And when she says that she means that the things that irk you won't ago away, they will probably intensify. For example, her husband has always been meticulous, and he's gotten MUCH more meticulous as the years have passed and he can't stand it when other people aren't as meticulous as him.

I'd have to disagree with SatoriallySavvy. Your better half is someone who does compliment. They bring out the best in you, while also doing well at what you don't do so well.

People have such a problem saying that they need others, especially when it pertains to male-female relationships. I believe that you should need your mate. I look at a lot of things from a spiritual/religious view and so I believe that you need people and that they do complete you. That's why Eve was created; God saw a need for her, he saw that Adam would be happier with a companion. He gave her Adam's rib. It was not by coincidence that things happened that way. Furthermore, I believe that people have an unhealthy and distorted idea of what being incomplete and complete means. People take it to the extreme and insist on seeing someone who feels incomplete as weak, unstable, insecure, etc. I do not believe that to be the case. We all need people in general to complete us. So I also believe that you're mate should complete you. You can be a complete person and still feel incomplete, like that extra something is missing. You can be incomplete and know yourself and be successful.

Also, to me, you're better half is the person who compliments you. They not only bring out the best in you, but they keep you uplifted, grounded, and are able to pick up where you lack.

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